LinkedIn Parenting Skills

I was perusing LinkedIn the other day and checking in on how many recruiters were hounding my message box begging me to come take exorbitant salaries for their firms (hint: there were zero). I’m terrible at networking and my LinkedIn profile is about as bland as they come. I tried to put some work into it awhile back when I though I might have a shot at a great career…but nothing materialized so I’m punching keystrokes at midnight right now thinking about all those jobs I never got. Oh well.

It didn’t take long perusing my profile and resume on LinkedIn to start mocking my own words. “Adept at interdepartmental coordination and communication”…haha, yeah right. I couldn’t be more awkward in a staff meeting if I tried. When I try to coordinate work, I end up getting punished by the passive aggressive sorts. “Review employee performance and execute all personnel decisions”…I don’t know what I was thinking with this line; it reads now like I want people to know that I’ve fired employees. Firing people, wow, what a great skill to include. What is this nonsense about KPIs? Expenditures? How many times can a person get away with using fiscal in a one-page resume? Well, it was quite a depressing 5-minute review of my professional life but I’ve started brainstorming how to integrate all my new skills into my profile and resume.

“Skilled Delegator” – Oversee births of two children and led team of 2 to successful delivery of said children. Delegated the birthing itself to wife after recognizing which team members had what skills and potential.

“Project Management” – Insatiable consumer base that requires consumption numerous times throughout the day. Successfully executed initiative that provided food to my toddler on a daily basis (well, most days). Came in consistently over budget but the consumer sometimes finished please. In fairness, she sometimes finished with the project thrown on the floor in disgust from time to time as well.

“Business Analysis” – Diligent and careful review of household operations revealed innumerable causes of concern. Compiled data on total outgo versus income and quickly burnt the results before anyone could see. Used advanced analytics to discover that daycare costs a boatload. Progressive Business Intelligence reporting tools also theorized that diapers consume a large portion of the budget.

“Executive Leadership” – I embrace an empowering philosophy with my team members. Basically, I’m in charge and my wife and kids tell me what to do. Letting them think that they’re in charge not only allows for their own personal growth, but also allows me to just do whatever they want without thinking. It’s rather progressive leadership.

“Lean Processing” – I successfully lead three individual business units (wife, toddler, baby) to prepare to leave the house in under 90 minutes each morning. I achieve this by cutting out needless waste like breakfast, teeth brushing, bathing, and matching outfits.

“Accounting Review” – Hourly thoughts placed on an amoeba-based budget that fluctuates each time a butterfly flaps it’s wings. Or something like that. Maintained bills so incredibly well that the gas hasn’t been shut off this year. And Netflix hasn’t been canceled. All in all, pretty impressive.


So perhaps my one true dream job exists out there somewhere and this newly developing skill-set will prepare me for the opportunity of a lifetime. I feel like my resume feels much more impressive now. In all seriousness, looking at the ‘skills’ I have developed and utilizing in an effort to be a functioning and competent parent has earned me more pride than anything in my professional career. If my LinkedIn profile were supposed to accurately reflect my experience and skills, it would be remiss to leave out my kiddos and the profound impact they have had on my commitment to personal development, time management, and skill creation. If I want a professional media profile I can be proud of, I suppose I better swap out my head shot in a suit (GLAMOUR SHOTS BY DEB) and post one with my newborn on my arm and my toddler hanging around my neck. That’s the real me and the real reason I can achieve what I do professionally.

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