The Worst Halloween Costumes

Enough with the superheroes, how about a little creativity? When I was growing up, I apparently had zero say in what my Halloween costumes would be each year—I was destined to wear whatever my older sisters had worn in prior years. Case in point: at the tender age of 7, I was sent out to the streets in a painted refrigerator box that looked like a Tide box. To repeat: I had to walk miles and miles in a bright orange piece of cardboard. My fledgling popularity and self-esteem never recovered. There’s a fine line between creativity and torture and each parent must be very careful on where the boundaries are drawn; in my family, we obviously errored on the side of humiliation whenever possible. Once the statute of limitations expires on my mother’s child abuse, I’ll post a picture of that hideous box. Anyway, we’re looking at all the worst costumes today.

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It certainly is not the most embarrassing, but a ghost costume just may very well be the worst Halloween costume of all time. Surprise, surprise, I was once a ghost for Halloween. Grab a white sheet, cut holes for the eyes, and run around unable to see or breathe under a bedroom sheet that’s been stuffed in the closet for 7 years. I vividly recall a bitterly cold night where I wandered behind my sisters, unable to keep the eye holes level with my actual eyes. How lazy can a parent be? Hmm…this dirty torn sheet really needs tossed…BUT if I cut two holes in it, now I don’t have to spend money on Halloween! There’s nothing lazier than a ghost costume, but I promise you it was a legitimate costume in the 1980s and 1990s. Perhaps I could bring it back with my daughter this year in an ironical manner? Would that trend?

Once we work our way past the lazy ideas, we need to go to the one magical land where hideous costumes are pawned off on an unassuming world each day: Asia. It is like they have recognized how ridiculous America is and just keep pushing the boundaries on how outlandish of an item they can make that will still sell 16 million units.

Case in Point:

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ONLY $18 HERE! 

Because what parent doesn’t want to hear mock flatulence noises for five straight hours on Halloween?

 

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Why would you want to be a flamingo when you can be…yourself BUT riding a flamingo? This is just so crazy it might just work!

ONLY $29.99 HERE

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What should we make for a costume…hmm…(looks around kitchen)…a toaster?  A sink? Paper towel? OMG A BANANA!  ABSOLUTELY THE BANANA! OVER AND OVER AGAIN!  But what can we do to make it better?  A CROTCH POCKET!  Every good banana costume needs a crotch pocket to hoard one’s booty!

ONLY $16.99 HERE

Now before you rush out and buy these amazing costumes for your kids, your neighbors’ kids, and your neighbors’ neighbors’ kids, I want to introduce you to the magical world of COSPLAY.  I had never heard of this until I was aimlessly searching for a Christmas present for my niece…and I hit the jackpot!  Asia strikes again!

COSPLAY stands for Costume Play (I think) and basically a bunch of people (adults and kids) are super into dressing up for the fun of it, usually like comic or anime characters.  There are conventions and festivals…basically, COSPLAY is for people who can’t get enough of Halloween and dressing up (kudos to them!).

Anyway, I started scrolling through Japanese COSPLAY costumes and found a hippo costume.  Of course!  What would my 8 year old niece possibly want more than a giant pink Hippo costume!  I went back to the well last year and stumbled upon these beauties:

Ifboxs Kids Unicorn Onesie Pajamas Cosplay Halloween Costume for Girls and Boys (Rainbow, 8)

BOOM! Multi-colored unicorn for ONLY $21.99 HERE!  Why NOT? While you’re at it, snag one of these gems:

NEWCOSPLAY Unisex Children Sloth and Flying Squirrel Pyjamas Halloween Kids Onesie Costume (105, Brown Flying Squirrel)

If only I had a dollar for every time my daughters asked me to dress up like a flying squirrel, I’d have…zero dollars.  BUT IT CAN STILL BE YOURS FOR $23.99 HERE!

 

There’s no better time to embarrass your child than at Halloween before they’ve reached an independent age.  If you want pictures to hold as blackmail for all of eternity (like my Tide pic), then you absolutely need to throw down on something hideous this Halloween.  Whatever you do, just remember that a sheet is not an option.  It won’t be ironic when I dress my own daughter in a ‘ghost’ costume if someone beats me to it.

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