If you’re ever looking for a way out of a play-date or Mom group, these six parenting debates are your ticket out. Welcome to ParentalGrit, your home for the most hilarious, informative, and encouraging takes on parenting out there in the interweb stratosphere. It’s a funny thing, this parenting is: every person raising a child knows exactly how difficult life as a parent is, but that does nothing to temper our judgments of fellow parents. Like I said, if you’re ever trying to ditch a fellow parent, take a hard stance on one of these items and watch the fireworks ensue. Let’s dive into all the hyperbole, drama, and insanity of the six hottest parenting topics of all time.
If your kids aren’t vaccinated, you hate your children and all the other children they may someday come in contact with. Not only that, you hate science, probably had a home birth, and only respect the medical opinions of burnt out, hippie holistic healers. For shame!
If your kids are vaccinated, you’re a mindless lemming caught in the funnel of Big Pharma who will believe anything your Doctor says. You ignorantly stuff your children full of formaldehyde, aluminum, and mercury to prevent diseases that have already been cured. For shame!
If you co-sleep with your children, there’s a 10 billion percent chance you are a lazy parent destined to smother your child while you selfishly slumber. You have obviously decided that 20 extra minutes of sleep is worth ruining the sleep cycles and schedule of your young children for all eternity.
If you don’t co-sleep with your children, you are clearly a pretentious snob who doesn’t love your children as much as the parents that want every second with their kids do. You dispassionately abandon your infants to windowless rooms with the noisemaker cranked at concert-level decibels while you gleefully listen as they cry it out agony…all so you don’t have to share any of your precious covers.
Breast Milk vs Formula
If you exclusively breast feed, you are clearly one of those holier-than-thou parents who foolishly believe that perfectly synthesized formula supplemented with all the necessary vitamins your child requires is inferior to the breast milk that your body produces while you live on a diet of Pop Tarts, Ramen, and Oreos.
If you only use formula and a bottle, your child doesn’t stand a chance to be healthy as you or your body has decided that producing nature’s wondrous sustenance is not worth the effort or time when you can grab a powdered crate of nonsense and force feed it to your baby while you can merrily pound ample amounts of caffeine and alcohol with no effects on your child’s milk supply.
You shamefully cover up during nursing sessions and wean your baby off way too soon because you’re either too embarrassed or too selfish to continue breastfeeding as long as you could. You may have tried but ultimately you’re a failure because kids need breast-milk to thrive well beyond the six months you nursed.
You are an exhibitionist breastfeeding freak show that belongs on the cover of National Geographic, not at your local Applebee’s making your entire section uncomfortable with your partial nudity and a four-year old hanging from your nipple. You breast fed way too much for way too long and now your child is destined to have mommy issues for several decades.
If you support spanking, you have made a conscious decision to turn your child into a psychopath by ingratiating violence into their being. Only a sadistic monster could utilize spanking as a disciplinary tool when there are so many other alternative means of punishment.
If you don’t support spanking, you’re ignoring several generations of successful children that have grown up normal despite being spanked as a child. You clearly have no problem allowing your children to run your house and simply lack the fortitude to institute strict discipline into your life.
If you allow your children access to iPads, videogames, and television, you clearly are the lazy kind of parent that would prefer to outsource all of your child’s education and free time to electronics. You have no problem filling your child’s head with the ridiculous excesses that can be found on the Internet and are too dim to understand how all the screen time is disrupting their development.
If you don’t allow your children screen time, you’re shielding them from the technology that will be an integral part of their education, lives, and professional futures. You have decided that forcing your kids to live under a rock like it’s 1930 is the best way to raise a child and think that eating Play-Doh is better for your toddler than watching an interactive alphabet video on YouTube.
Perhaps we could all stand for a little more mutual support and empathy, no?