It’s been a long week here at ParentalGrit as we’re reaching one full week spent on potty training; it probably feels like a long week because potty training feels never ending. If you’re as burnt out on potty-training content as I am, rest-assured this will be the merciful end to a week spent in urine. After being forced to relive the traumatic twists and turns of the Naked Weekend (Here and here), and throwing in a few more assorted PT reflections (here and here), I’m more than ready to step away from the seriousness of it all and imagine a world without potty-training or at least a world where it came much easier. My daughter was so excited for PT week to end that she peed on the floor 10 minutes ago. No, that it not a joke. She literally just ripped her diaper off and puddled up the bathroom floor. If you hadn’t gotten the message that I’d given up by now, I GIVE UP. With that, here’s the 6 outrageous ways I think we can modify this potty training thing:
- It Depends
Did you like that play on words? My first suggestion is to bail on toilets altogether and integrate adult diapers into the fabric of our society. As I wrote earlier this week, you come into the world in diapers, live long enough and you leave it in diapers, so you might as well stay in diapers in between! I don’t really want to think about the logistics of changing one’s own diaper, but I’m so burnt out on potty training that I’m ready for any type of reform.
- Poop Paleo
If you’re unaware of the Paleo food trend, it basically prescribes a diet more reflective of our ancestral biology (i.e. meat, veggies, fruit, nuts, etc.). Well, I say we take this trend a few steps further and start bathrooming the way we used to thousands of years ago. Find a nice concealing hedge, pop a squat, and let your mind at ease knowing you won’t have to take the trouble to pull a toilet handle when you’re done. I’m pretty positive my toddler would have acclimated to this process within seconds, other than the hiding-behind-a-bush part—she enjoys strong eye contact with daddy while defecating.
- Potty Training Boarding School
Let me take my chances with a teenager (I say that as a parent whose oldest child is 2) because I’d rather send her away for PT Boarding School than high school or whatever the heck age boarding school is. It’s simple: have the baby, give the baby to a magical nunnery that teaches toilet usage, and receive the fully potty trained baby back in a few weeks. This can’t be that hard. Oh, I’d like all the trainees in matching outfits with perhaps a nice graduation ceremony as well. Tuition can even cost a billion dollars…you know, the cost of one year’s worth of diapers.
Along similar lines, I’m sure there’s a workforce out there thinking to themselves “If only we could get into the baby butt-wiping game…”. Look, I hear India has more people than jobs and that region is known for quite a bit of call center outsourcing. Let’s stop sending them our Cell Phone customer service jobs and instead offer them millions of soiled children to repair and return. Maybe this is already a thing? INSTANT TRADEMARK IF NOT.
After 16 months of failing at potty training, I am just as inclined to believe in magic as I am to believe in potty training. I can’t quite pin down how this would work, but I’ve been rubbing my Diaper Genie up and down for a few hours every night patiently waiting for the Genie to emerge. I’ve eaten 7,000 fortune cookies and still haven’t come across “The little one will put the poo in the potty”. Please help me Harry Potter! Gandalf! Waverly Place! Halloweentown! Yoda! Jafar! Glinda! The Hocus Pocus Ladies! Melisandre! Samantha Stephens! Barbara Eden! Okay, I think you get the point…if magic is what it takes, then let us be swept up in enchantment!
Thus concludes potty training week…we’ll return Monday with something…other than this, as I’ll protect you from any more descriptions of my daughter’s bowel movements (for at least a few weeks). Thanks for stopping by, cheers!