Greetings! I am Twitter parent! I’m on Twitter because most of my family and older relatives are not. I think I’m pretty clever because the anonymity of Twitter means I can do all sorts of fun things I normally can’t. I like to vent about how hard it is to be a parent like I’m the first person who has ever had children. I don’t normally talk politics in person, but on Social Media I enjoy threatening the unborn grandchildren of politicians I disagree with. I pretend not to watch The Bachelor or Real Housewives while my wife watches it, but that’s because I’m on Twitter ripping apart the personalities I don’t like while also tagging famous people with the thought that my three sentences are going to get me discovered as a cerebral genius and I’ll be able to leave my family behind for Hollywood or the Huffington Post or Oprah. I’m overly sarcastic, which my spouse doesn’t appreciate but Twitter loves. I’m quietly overly dramatic, so while I’ll smile folding clothes, just know that in another 15 minutes I’ll flood Twitter with 17 expletive-filled rants about my true feelings for doing laundry. Speaking of that, I can easily put a lid on most of my profanity in person, but on Twitter I can’t manage a six word sentence without 2 or 3 curse words.
As a parent, I put on a good face for all my children’s activities, knowing I’ll later be able to post cryptic messages on Twitter about how much I hate my life. I smile at my toddler’s artwork and 15 minutes later brag about throwing it in the trash. I abandoned most other forms of social media when I discovered I could become an anonymous malcontent on Twitter, so my social support group for raising my children consists of @tnskeiw17928, @kidssuck2837, and @CaliforniaRaisindude. I act cool in front of my kid’s friends by appearing disinterested in all things but also casually allude to my 211 Followers regularly. I definitely don’t let my kids on Twitter, but I let them have Facebook mostly so I can mock their naivete. I wear sunglasses indoors and borrow what I felt were the best of the hipster trendy outfits to complement my leftover rebellious gear from the 1990s (Jnco’s, Mossimo, Vans, Airwalks, etc.). It should also be noted that my Twitter persona is a complete fairytale, as my spouse schedules my weekends for me and only allows me social media time when the dishes are done.
Greetings! I am Instagram parent! I am the best kind of parent and, if you don’t believe me, check my feed for confirmation. I may only actually know 50 people on Instagram, but I have 6700 followers so I’m kind of a big deal. Social Media is my canvas and the best opportunity for the world to get to know me—which, naturally will lead to the world loving me. I made a conscious decision that my spouse wasn’t attractive enough for Instagram, so I make him take 6,000 photos of the kids and I each week. I got on Instagram a few years ago due to my photography hobby but quickly decided that the IG community wanted to see me more than they wanted to see my pictures.
As a parent, I make sure that our entire household has matching outfits for every day of the week. I’m not overly concerned about my kid’s transition to middle school but I did spend $680 and several hours selecting the outfit she’d wear on her first day. I plan my family’s weekends based on the time of year and ideal scenery available within a 1200-mile radius. My kids wanted to go to Disney World last year but I decided capturing autumn in Maine was more appropriate. Like most parents, I carry multiple sets of clothes for each kid at all times—not in case they have a spill or accident, but because I need as much fresh content for my feed as possible. My kids mastered their cell phones by age 3 and each has their own preferred stylist at my salon. I wear only the latest fashions and wouldn’t be caught dead picking them up from school in sweatpants. I wake up at 5:30 am each morning to get pampered and ready, but tell everyone I encounter until noon that I just rolled out of bed. My motto in life is #candid.
Greetings! I am Facebook parent! I’m on Facebook only because I was born before 1995 and it’s the only Social Media that I trust. It took me several years to cave in and finally create an account, but now that I have one I enjoy checking Facebook religiously to over-share personal items from my life and make bizarre comments on family members’ posts. I carried a flip phone until the iPhone 6 came out and it generally takes a good 36 months to understand any changes I see on Facebook. I still don’t understand that ads appear in my Newsfeed but rather just believe that it’s a remarkable coincidence that the sweater I just looked at on Target’s website is now appearing in my feed. Not only will I buy it, but I will also do all of my Christmas shopping based on what I see other family members have ‘liked’ on Facebook. My photos are poor quality, but I make sure I include all 86 from last weekend because my digital camera uploads them all at once. I believe everyone else is on Facebook as much as I am, so I ask time-sensitive questions and send messages expecting immediate responses. When I’m with other family members, I comment and gossip about what I’ve seen on Facebook. I typically sit down at my desktop computer each evening to catch up on Social Media; a friend downloaded this blue FB button on my phone, but it’s difficult to use without my reading glasses.
I will raise my children just like I was raised, which means technology is a no-go and my Land Before Time VHS’s will provide all the entertainment my kids will need to thrive in today’s society. I enjoy wearing socks with sandals and think kids today have it too easy. I played in the street as a kid, always accepted gifts from strange adults, and walked or rode a bicycle all over town by myself so I don’t understand why kids are so coddled these days. I tuck my Polo’s and button-up shirts into my jean shorts and don’t understand why my kids want to ride the bus rather than get dropped off at school. I’m on the PTA and volunteer regularly at the school. I’m currently debating on whether I should allow my kids a cell phone at age 18 or age 21, but I did allow them a Facebook account so I could watch their every movement and write “How do you know my daughter?” on anyone who comments on her pictures or posts. Not only do I know all of her friends on Facebook, but I also know their parents and make sure I add them and their parents as friends just to stay connected.
Greetings! I am SnapChat parent! I was born in the 2000s and the baby was an accident. Wish me luck!